Thinking Chair

Faux leather (pleather, if you will) thinking chair needs a new home. I discovered this exquisite specimen of modern furniture design at a country auction where I purchased it for over $2 in crisp one dollar bills.

It was home to many great and many banal thoughts throughout my 20s. But I have found a different chair to think different thoughts in.

Why should you borrow your friend's pick up truck RIGHT THE HELL NOW and haul off this piece of crap?

Features of this chair:

  • "distressed" fabric gives it a shabby-chic, collegiate "I don't give a ****" kind of je ne sais quoi

  • best enjoyed with an extra pillow under the cushion, as this chair, like the thoughts it induces, sinks into a deep abyss only recoverable with a friend's lending a hand to pull you out of it

  • there might be a pen and some bobby pins in it

  • my roommate said it's ugly and we can't keep it

  • it's a place to sit

This chair is yours for free if you pick it up.

(Empty alcohol receptacles only pictured to show scale and decor suggestions. They do not come with the chair.)
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Disco Coffee Table

I'm 40 and I can't keep up with my disco coffee table anymore. I've aged, the table craves the unbridled power of youth. It keeps asking me to snort mounds of white powder off its mirrored surface, but my hangovers last too long. It wants a twenty something who can go on a Tuesday bender and still work the next day. It wants to reflect a parade of young, naked strangers in impossible positions night after night. My libido has faded and I crave a good night of sleep more than another one night stand. The table has a couple missing chunks of mirror. My decorator insists I'm too well heeled to own such college like furniture and made me buy something from Restoration Hardware.

Disco Table needs a new home. A home where the party doesn't stop. A home where the neighbors are annoyed. A home where debauchery and bad decisions are the norm. A home where straws are cut short and a grinder is always on hand just in case. I need to know Disco Table will be passed on to somebody who thinks cardio means: the way a heart races after your medical insurance card is used to cut lines.

Let me know if you think you would be the right kind of owner for Disco Table. Dimensions: 66x36x17.

$20 if you pick him up. $50 and I'll bring him to you and help you put him in your living room.
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Take Me Now

I'm a bit blue, unwanted. I'm strong, but everyone needs a little TLC. I'm VERY dirty- I'll go down anytime you want... I come with a friend (if you'd like) that is known to get very hot.*
Just come and pick me up, no questions asked.

*Used futon and dryer for free, not to be confused with anything/one else... wrong part of Craigslist buddy.
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New. Weatherproof . Hardly Used.
Sits well, but takes some time to get used to - but HEY! - you'll never have to worry about spills, or stains for that matter. Because it cleans itself .... Out in the rain !

NOTE: you must move it yourself .........and btw - it weighs a ton (actually maybe two)

So contact me for this rock solid deal today!
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i found your stupid drone.

march 29. saturday night. 10pm.

your quadcopter must have crashed. i found it squirming around in the middle of Fulton Street. felt like i was picking up a wounded animal with it buzzin' all around, camera lookin' at me with its one eye, not sure if it was dead or alive.

it was weird...

i didn't want the damn thing flying around the apartment, bumping into me or creeping out my girlfriend [too late!] and her stoney [and slightly paranoid] roommates, so i pulled the battery, cut the power and turned off the wireless.

if you want it back and/or you dont want me to see what's on the SD card, email me with the specifics or i'm gonna turn around and sell it on ebay to another one of you chumps.

ciao ciao!
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FYI dudes posting pics

Jesus Christ dudes. I mean this as constructive criticism ( seriously!) the dick pics some people post are ridiculous. As a female who cruises these ads for someone to spark my interest some of you need a little help. Help as far as photo composition ( do those awful photos really get you some action ?).

1. No photos while sitting on the john with your dick in your hand and pants rolled around your ankles. Especially white athletic socks pulled halfway up your calves. Good grief.
2. Clean up all the shit on the floor in your room if you are taking a body shot. No one wants to see your dirty laundry on the floor or your wife's doilies on her dresser. want someone recognizing your wallpaper or shower curtain? Let's be smart.
3. Trim your balls. Please. Whack that shit back. No one wants curlies in their teeth.
4. No one wants to see your asshole. It's not attractive even if you're looking for backdoor fun. They don't photograph well and it's super tricky to get the right angle. And I mean no disrespect but if you have an ass full of's not helping your cause. Just leave that pic out .
5. If you are cheating on your wife on partner or whatever...make sure someone can't recognize you. You never know who is cruising this site. You might as well have your name written on your dick with a Sharpie as so many of you have tats in plain view.
6. Some of you are really good at taking stellar pics while others....if you say you have an 8" cock but the pic looks like it's a cocktail weenie don't want to sell yourself short.
7. Be playful. No reason to be so damn serious. Sex is supposed to be fun so act like it. Put some pizazz in your ad to set you apart. Like put some whipped cream around your balls and a cherry on top. Wouldn't that be inviting ?

OK team...get back out there and good luck !
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Most uncomfortable chair ever made

This is the Most uncomfortable​ chair ever made.

negatives : This chair is really uncomfortable. Its back support was not designed for humans, but if you are an alien with a flat or squareish, in the lumbar region, it would work quite well. Its seat is way too flat and way too small. I am fairly in shape and I feel like a gelatinous sasquatch when I attempt to seat my self on it.

Positives: It has a nice paint job, if I do say so myself(I did it). It is an antique, and not from this generation. It is very solidly built and has a lot of awful life left to it. It is also light weight and can double as an effective scary weapon. wouldn't you be scared if something not from you generation, that never should have been made, was directed at you in a menacing fashion. Most furniture a little better than this I would pay you to take away or negotiate down to free, but this chair is so atrocious that it actually comes full circle and is worth something. Does not include dunce hat.

$15 firm..... ish
  • Location: westend
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To the shitstain who made a woman cry on the T – w4m

You got up right before the Stony Brook stop and said something in a low voice to the woman next to you. You exited the train and she burst into tears. I asked her what you said---and in between sobs she goes, "he said 'Have some respect for yourself and lose some weight'".

Oh shit, you said that to a complete fucking stranger, an innocent person trying to read a book on her ride home!!! Yeah dog, you sure did, and then you turned heel and walked off like the miserable coward you are.

You publicly humiliated another human and made her cry. How truly fucking horrifying of you. She was totally stunned, and devastated. . .is that what you wanted to see happen? Are you that much of a nightmare that you are PLEASED by making people cry? Total strangers even? I don't think I can fully express to you what an absolute skidmark you are, but here goes:

You: blond, slicked hair, hipsterish. You manage to be both tasteless and sanctimonious, and something tells me you brag about loving Bukowski even though you only made it 80 pages deep into Women. You definitely think you're smarter than everyone, and you love reflective surfaces. You work in design/tech/oh wait, who cares, you don't fucking matter. You treat women like garbage, but don't worry---we hate you. You have a stank on you, and a lot of us can smell it...truly a dookiestain made flesh. You don't have an original thought under that stupid haircut. You are a straight up fucking bully, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Bullies are the absolute worst.

The thing is, part of you knows this, and you're upset that no one treats you like the special snowflake you believe yourself to be. So you say horrible things to strangers in public to make yourself feel better. Stop being such a fucking bully and shitting on other humans just because your wounded-ego feels like taking a dump. No really, just fucking stop.

Any of my fellow feminist vigilantes who might be reading this: keep an eye out for a white dude, around age 30, who looks like a wacker version of Macklemore, if that's possible. Make sure you remind him of his insignificance.

And to the woman to whom this human diarrhea pile directed his steaming ego turd: keep your head up girl, it's not even about you. I hope it didn't ruin your day.
  • Location: Stony Brook T Station
  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
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Please come rid me of this Gold's Gym Elliptical Machine. I got it a year ago from a friend who had only used it as a coat rack. "That won't be me," I said, "I'll definitely use it," I swore. My roommate laughed and my friends made bets about the amount of times I'd actually step on it. Unfortunately, those punk asses were all right. Staring at it just reminds me of my lack of ambition, and it's also taking up valuable space where I'd like to put a big beautiful white desk. The kind of furniture that not only allows me to feel good about my sedentary lifestyle, but actually encourages it under the guise of scholarly betterment.

The price is freakishly low at $50, which I figure is just about enough to cover a pizza party for my roommates and me. But the sweetest part will be going to bed, my stomach achingly full of Crispy Basil's cuban specialty pizza, and not being mocked by the unforgiving atrocity taking up half my bedroom.

I also added a photo of my cat, because he's dope.

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